by Basia Paradowska OP

"Have you slept?" "No, but I already know what kind of sofa we'll buy for the flat and what I'll cook for dinner. I've written a letter, I've prayed Matins, and the clock has struck six o'clock. Are you getting up for work? Breakfast is ready".

Another day is slowly starting; it will probably be similar to any other day, though I am secretly hoping that it will be a better one. It is Tuesday today, I'll work at home a little bit, and maybe I'll go for a short walk or call someone and have a chat. Another day, this is another day!

Agony in the Garden of Gethsemane

Lord, when you were imagining what it will be like, what will happen to you, as a man you felt fear - just as we all do. But you were able to pray, you were able to have faith in Your Father, God. Although, as a man, you prayed that the cup be taken away from you, you still fulfilled your Father's will till the end.

I am still learning how to add a request in my prayers: please, if this is your will; I am only a novice in prayer, a prayer that would not be just an act of duty for a Christian. I am afraid; as, from the human perspective, I am sorry that probably, physically I will not accompany my son in the further stages of his life, I will not make our dreams come true together with my husband. I cherish great hope that spiritually I will. Prayer is the best medicine when you cannot sleep, when it hurts, when you're sad, but also it's an outlet (that I underestimated before) for joy and emotions when happiness is around me.

In this Mystery, Lord, please grant that I may discover the phenomenon of prayer again and again, and please give me the gift of trusting your will till the end, with no "buts" without making plans that, without your will, are just a bundle of vanities and conviction that I can do everything on my own. I can but only through Him who gives me strength.

"Hodgkin's disease... malign, I can treat you immediately but without the baby, please make up your mind over the weekend." "But" "There's nothing to wait for" "But" "There's no but, though it's your decision."

But there is a "but" because my little son is almost two years old, he's healthy, because I am still fighting and I do not want to give up, because there was a "but", because there are two lives, because there is a doctor who found that "but" and provided a treatment with the baby, and she is still fighting, because there is Father Wojciech who, without a "but" confirmed that "but" in us with all his strength, because the loved ones and the "prayer relay". Suffering, fear, and two years of happiness growing with us. There is a "but"...

Scourging

Lord, when I am thinking how much you must have suffered when the sharp endings of the scourge were ripping out pieces of your flesh, then my suffering is not even worth mentioning. I can always get anaesthetics, if necessary; everyone takes care of me and tries to alleviate my pain, not to increase it. I cannot even imagine the pain that was stabbing your body and there was nobody with you who could take care of you and alleviate your suffering. You offered it for us all.

Lord, how often I forget that suffering may, and should be offered for others who maybe suffer more, need help, prayer, or are asking for it. How often I am helpless in that suffering, and when it comes, I try to do something about it on my own. Thank you for the people you place on my way, who remind me to offer suffering, or ask for such offering.

Lord, in this Mystery, please grant me perseverance and patience, please grant that I may live my little sufferings in silence and in total abandonment to you. Blessed are the meek, I want to be meek ...

"I can't stand it any more, it hurts." "Do you want a pill?" "Maybe it'll go away?". Examinations, hospital, chemical treatment, fever, examinations...

It's good that in the middle of all that, there are people who have me back on my feet, without mourning, it's good that there's someone who mobilises activity, encourages me to act, to live, it's good that life does not end here, with this life...

Crowning with Thorns

Lord, it always seemed to me, besides, that's what the pictures I got from my religion classes showed, that the crown of thorns was like a garland, admittedly of thorns, but the way it was presented was not very suggestive. Until the moment when I saw Gibson's "The Passion". You were already hardly able to stand on your feet, and you were convicted to additional suffering, inconceivable, inhumane.

Lord, sometimes I need some kind of visualisation, a palpable proof in order to believe, like Thomas who saw and believed, like Cleopas, who was like a blind man and only the breaking of bread restored his sight. How often I am like Thomas or Cleopas, often I have to refrain from searching for evidence and checking. How difficult it is to accept a crown of thorns without hesitation, without complaint, without feeling sorry for myself, difficult.

Lord, in this Mystery, please give me an open heart and, sometimes, eyes wide closed. And please grant that I may encourage others with my attitude and approach.

"What shall we thank Lord Jesus for today?" "For the broom-broom." "And for what else?" "For Daddy." "And what shall we ask for?" For cheese".

There is no time for unimportant things, though the simple ones are not unimportant. Simple things show that most important are deep relations with others, trust in the Lord and awareness that one is not alone.

Carrying of the Cross

Lord, when I see you going for death to Golgotha, after the torture you went through before that last way, I cannot imagine how that was possible. And even if I know that three falls are a symbol rather than a real representation, it is still an achievement that exceeds all human capacities.

I started to think about that when I had to go up the stairs or a small hill. I demonstrate that I get tired, that I must get some rest, and you, Lord, you even didn't open your mouth, like a lamb that is led to slaughter. They say that everyone carries a cross that he or she is able to bear. This cross has shown me a lot, it still does - it's a great grace. Among the first things that our little son learnt to point at when their name is said, was the cross and the rosary. Every morning, he, with his disarming simplicity, wants us to spend time together just looking at the cross, your cross, Lord.

Lord, in this Mystery, please give me the ability to carry my cross. Please grant that I may look at the world with child's eyes, without imposing conditions, without switching on complication mechanisms, without prejudices.

"So, on Holy Thursday we will go as usual and on Good Friday - the liturgy for children, ok?" "Ok". (...) "39.5OC and it's still rising, so you go, and I'll listen to the liturgy on Radio Joseph".

Glued to the radio, tears in my eyes, alone and lonely, on Good Friday.

Crucifixion

Lord, there is not much one can say about the mystery of the cross - ECCE HOMO. It's better to break off and stay in its shadow. It's better to watch and say nothing - IT IS FINISHED. Or maybe cuddle up to its wood and cry loudly - FATHER, INTO YOUR HANDS...

Lord, suffering and dying in loneliness must hurt so badly, there are no warm arms, soothing words, being together. Lonely suffering must intensify the pain, let alone suffering that is additionally humiliating.

In this Mystery, Lord, I thank you for my husband, my son, family, friends, acquaintances, for my doctor and for all the people you place on my way. In this way my cross is lighter, in this way I learn a great deal, in this way I become a better man, now and at the hour of death. AMEN.

"Are you sleeping?" "No, but I've written a meditation on the sorrowful mysteries, sleeplessness hurts less in this way".

BASIA PARADOWSKA
"About the Radio, the Slepless Rosary, Cheese and..."